Sickly Progress so far!

Don't mind the picture, it's so dark and scary in my house! Sitting in the dark like a boss:) I hope everyone is having a legit week so far. I went to Denton Square with my baby today, and we ate like pigs. Sexy pigs, but pigs nonetheless. We've been eating a ton lately, which is good for my body (gained a bit and now I have little curves!), but bad for my stomach. When I sleep over, Luis and I literally lay down at night and moan about our gas issues haha. 


Other than that, I'm ok. I only have acute gastritis, which means that it'll probably go away soon. I just need to stop eating gross fatty food! 


I do have to tell you things that bothered me today. I like to dress a little provocatively, I suppose, and I wore a little sweater and tights with see-through underwear to Denton today. Luis flipped out! I don't know what his issue is. I'm not going to apologize for wearing what I want to wear. I'm cute and I have a nice body and I can show whatever I WANT. For some reason, that seriously bothered me. I'll dress however I want. I still love him though:)


Danielle

In a ton of pain:(

wet hair:)

I got off my meds recently because I'm afraid that my birth control will interfere with something.
Wrong idea.
I drank a Monster yesterday, and the pain was absolutely horrible. It was the worst stomach pain ever. I have a thing: when I'm in pain, I feel like I'm rotting from the inside out. I don't want to be sick (who does?); I feel weak, un-sexy, and overall disgusting. My boyfriend didn't understand...
This morning the pain was back, even though I ate light sodium chicken noodle that normally wouldn't bother my stomach. I'm cooking roasted veggies right now, and I'm hoping that it won't hurt me!
The good thing about the pain is that it forces me to eat healthy. The bad thing is that I have to eat or else it's unbearable. And sometimes, my mind wants my body stop eating in order to lose weight. It's a lose-lose situation right now.


Danielle

Be In Control

Old me:)

Hi guys! I've been super busy with school and work this week (and talking to my ex/now boyfriend yes!), so I haven't been posting a lot. I've also been working out a ton lately, which helps a ton with controlling stress and my overall happiness. As a fabulous quote I found read, "If you have a bad day, go to the gym. If you have a good day, go to the gym."


Usually when people are trying to get rid of addictions, they find other things to replace. TV has been my distraction for the last couple of months (and I'm watching Lost Girl right now!). I'm severely addicted to Syfy now:( However, I'm slowly beginning to cut down on my TV watching by giving myself rewards. For instance, this morning I thought to myself "I'm not going to watch TV until 10, and I will work out until then." So, I got on Bodyrock.tv, did the 600 rep workout, and rewarded myself with some trashy reality TV.


The lesson I learned this week is this: Living in moderation is the main goal. I can't live my life constantly replacing addictions with other ones. I have to see food as neither good nor bad, and things like drinking and TV as rewards rather than necessities. Then I can be healthy.


Danielle

Relationship Status?

Gabi and I landsharking!

I've been on a serious Steve Pavlina kick lately-if you haven't read any of his stuff, please check him out. Everything he says seems so logical, especially his more popular post about why you shouldn't get a job. It makes me almost sad because I'm so happy working at Bath and Body Works, but I see where he's coming from. I can see how people can become trapped in their job, or at least confined to only making money when they work. Anyways, some of my favorites include his post about label-free relationships (something I would love to try with a certain someone) and personal development and BDSM (something I did try when I was single and I LOVED IT.) Enjoy these, and the rest of his blog as well!


And for the "Relationship Status?" title, I have updates on my relationship with Luis that I'll talk about soon!


Danielle

Signs of Improvement!

Renfrew Center!

Today I went to get an ultrasound (and I got into an accident on the way, which was completely my fault and I don't wanna talk about it ahaha). Anyways! The technician was super duper nice; she hates the idea of surgery as much as I do and we talked about the movie Awake with Hayden Christensen. That movie is literally the scariest movie ever; he is half awake during his surgery, so he is paralyzed but he can still feel and register what is going on. So freaky! Other than that, I got to see all the shapes of my vital organs, which was awesome. I ate Lima beans last night and that's exactly what people's kidney's look like!


By the way, the picture above is my package from the treatment center I'm going to soon. The packet has some interesting information about contributing to another's eating disorder (which I believe I'm guilty of sometimes) and helping people re-adjust after treatment. I've heard awesome things about  the Renfrew Center, and I'm so very excited to get better! 


Danielle

Feelings Today

Today I worked 6 hours after homework, and the entire day all I could think was “I really want a drink”. I was literally salivating thinking about vodka and juice and Four Loko. That has never happened before! It's like I'm going through withdrawals...for something I only got to experience for a few months. Alcohol addiction runs in my biological family (yayy!), so that played a part in me liking the feeling of being drunk so much. I would drink for everything! Usually just because though. I've been a week and 2 days sober so far, and it sucks so badly. I can't wait till I can control myself and get drunk responsibly!

Besides my drinking issues, I'm completely content with everything in my life. You know that feeling you get when you're so incredibly happy that you think there's a upbeat, romantic soundtrack in the background of your life? I hope you have, because I feel that know and it's simply amazing. I feel loved, and I feel so full of love that I want to share it with everyone! Mostly my family, friends, and Luis. They have stuck by me during all my bad moods, suicidal thoughts and attempts, and addictions, so they most definitely deserve positive Danielle. So do you for reading!

Danielle